absence

absence seems realer with each passing day.
hole not whole- won't be whole again.
weird. a part of me missing.
grief is not just one fixed emotion. grief is inexplicable. there are no words deep enough to explain it. this feeling.
hasn't even really hit me yet.
sometimes in waves but not fully. not as a whole. i don't want it to.
everytime i cry i admit it to myself, i make it real. don't want to cry- but if i hold it down i'll burst. so they flow.
and i still miss you. a day passes, a month, a year, a decade.
it's so quiet.

02:40

jet lag is killa.
i just can't deal.
i been jet lagged too much of recent.
& it's time for routine.
how you do that when everything's changing?
routine/change are opposite sides of the spectrum
& i don't know if i can be bothered for this change.
but i'm sure,
it's necessary.

tumbling

I don't want to hurt you...
Really, I don't
But, you excite me.
As I carry on down this road, I scare myself.
I know I need to stop. Slow down.
...it's too late.
I'm already tumbling,
Into another soul - who is ready to love me.

the mist

a question arises, that i'm scared to ask
although in my heart,
the answer is clear
there is clarity in there somewhere
Albeit unreachable for a while.

A consistent fog descended over my home
I was unable to see through the mist...
created by uncertainties in my mind.
I had to call for help.
Self reliance is futile.
I saw you in soft focus at first.
You dared to pierce through.

 That's when i felt your touch.

a new thing ?

eyes roaming
blank stares
waiting...
cliff hangers,
 hanging upon your words & anecdotes
this is only the beginning
the familiar drum & flutter
like a baby hesitantly taking his first steps into the unknown
whilst grasping the hand behind.
why is it so hard to let go?
of your familiar warmth
desires churning inside your chest.
i see it in your hungry eyes
don't devour me yet.
i haven't let go.

joseph.

bubbled up inside
the feelings strong pushing my lungs.
clamp.
it's impossible to breathe...
when i'm still missing you.
'distraction is the best remedy'
that's what i'm told
i want to move on
Like poker, i fold
Do you feel cold? Now i'm not there.
Calm.
I need your calm.
Confused.
how can i reach it without you?
endless longing.
 does it ever stop?
Or am i imagining the past was better than it was?
False fantasies, memories that never existed
Then why do i still feel the tingle from your sweet kisses?
The weight of your head,
nestled into my neck
I could stay there forever.
Every inkling fights against making contact.
Because deep in my heart,
the sad truth is.
         it cannot work.

doing things properly.

Ok, this is scary now.
 Already fell, i don't know how.
 Quick. Scary. Big respect.
 Seeing from another perspective
 Minds going over my memory's collective.
 Unsure if i'm following the right directive.
 I ask my heart, if it's being neglected,
 & then my brain if it's being ignored.
 Because the truth is... i'm not sure
 If i'm ready yet.